Providing You With Resources About Child Abuse

In the US, a child is sexually abused every eight minutes and nearly five children die every day from neglect and abuse.

Myth … Child abuse happens only with strangers.
Fact … in over 90% of reported child abuse cases, children are abused by someone they know, love and trust. In fact, 39% of all perpetrators are family members.

Myth … Children will usually tell someone that they are being abused.
Fact … Most children DO NOT tell. Only 1 in 10 sexually abused children disclose their abuse. Abusers can be very effective in making children too fearful to talk about what is going on. Often children do not have the words to use to let someone know what is happening to them.

Myth … Children often make these types of things up for attention.
Fact… Children very rarely make false accusations about being sexually abused. Most victims are very reluctant to disclose abuse. They feel shame and blame themselves for the abuse, often because the offender is someone they care about. About 90 percent of the time, a child knows their abuser and some 39 percent are abused by a family member. It is estimated that only 4-8 percent of child sexual abuse reports are fabricated.

Myth … Talking to children about abuse will simply frighten them.
Fact … It is important for children to learn basic personal safety skills in a way that is helpful rather than frightening. Children should learn the proper names for their body parts, including their genitals. Children should know they have permission to refuse unwanted touching from adults and other children.

Having discussions with your child about keeping their bodies safe can be uncomfortable. Because these are such important discussions, we hope that you will come to view this conversation like any other safety conversation you would have with your child. It should become as routine as saying, “look both ways before crossing the street!” The conversation will change and mature as your child grows older. Your child may ask questions as they realize you are willing to talk to them about their body and keeping it safe.

There are different ways to talk to your child about their body. You know your child best and should trust your instincts about how to have this conversation and do what feels the most appropriate. When talking to your child we encourage you to include the following topics outlined below or learn more from the Committee for Children website: https://www.earlyopenoften.org/

Identifying Parts Of The Body
You teach your child about their nose, ears, eyes and other body parts, but they also need to know about the private parts of their body. Bath time and potty training are great times to incorporate teaching the private parts of the body to your child.

Teach them that their whole body is special, including the private parts of their body. Explain that the private parts of the body are the “parts covered by your bathing suit.” Sometimes it is helpful to point out that boys and girls have different swimsuits because they have different private parts.

When speaking about specific body parts, we strongly encourage you to use the anatomically correct names of the body. Some families may use nicknames or special terms to refer to the private parts of the body and these may be confusing to a child. It may make them feel like these parts of the body are somehow different, and for children, it may make them feel ashamed of their body. Furthermore, if a child discloses abuse but uses a “nickname” for a part of their body instead of the anatomically correct name, such as penis, vagina, bottom, or breast, this could lead to confusion and miscommunication.

A Touching Rule:
Explain to your child that no one should ever see, touch or photograph the private parts of their body except people who help them stay clean and healthy. Identify with your child those people whose job it is to help them in the bathroom, getting dressed, and at the doctors. These people may need to see or touch the private parts of their body but stress that even if it’s a person’s job to keep a child clean and healthy, it is still that child’s body. They are still in control. A child should be listened to and believed if anyone, at any time, makes them feel uncomfortable.

As your child grows, they will want to clean and bathe themselves. Respecting your child’s privacy is an important part in their healthy development.

Boundaries
It is also important that children learn that expressing love and affection is their personal choice. They should be able to choose to whom and when they show affection. If expressing love and affection makes them uncomfortable, we must help them to recognize that discomfort and support their decisions. We must teach children that we, as adults, respect their choices about their bodies.

As difficult as it may be, don’t pressure your kids into hugging or kissing family members if it makes them feel uncomfortable or they are not in the mood. For example, if a child says, “stop tickling me,” then stop and let them know that you are stopping because they asked you to do so.

By supporting your child’s feelings and choices when they are uncomfortable, you are communicating to them that you will support them if someone touches them in an uncomfortable or abusive setting

Children Touching Other Children

Sometimes parents or teachers ask us what to do about children touching other children. It is important to know what behaviors are healthy and normal which are not. This will help you to know if a larger problem is going on.

Young children often show others the private parts of their bodies. If this is something your child is doing, tell them that “no one should ever see or touch the private parts of your body. This means you shouldn’t show them the private parts of your body.” You may also have to explain to a child that they cannot touch other children and they may need you to be firm but gentle in reinforcing that they must keep their hands to themselves.

It can sometimes be difficult to know what normal sexual behavior is for children as they grow and develop. We recommend additional information at the National Center for Sexual Behavior of Youth website.

http://www.ncsby.org/content/childhood-sexual-development

You Can Tell Me Anything!
As you have these discussions, emphasize to your child that they can talk to you about anything and that you believe what they are telling you. Tell them you will always love them no matter what and you will always keep them safe.

If your child does tell you about something that is bothering them, take the time to really listen. Ask them if there is anything you can do to help – even if the problem seems resolved. This will create a bond of trust. Your child will know that you support them, and they will remember this if they ever do need to tell you something really important.

I Love You!
Tell your children that you love them! Use affirming language! Then tell them again. Sometimes an abuser may tell a child that they are not worthy of other people’s love or that a child is not special. The best way to combat these powerful messages is to tell your child your love them, that they are special, and that you will protect them from any harm.

What Can I Do To Protect My Child?
There are lots of things you can do to protect your child. First, the most powerful tool you have to protect your child is to talk with them about abuse. Second, be aware that the statistics show that an abuser could be a relative or someone you know.

Understanding Perpetrators
People often ask, “Why would someone do that to a child?” and “Who should I trust with my child?” These are very complex questions and there is no simple answer to either question.

Perpetrators may want to exert power and control over a child or they want to fulfill their sexual urges. It is estimated some 30 percent of adult sex offenders were sexually abused as children. Whatever the reason, there is no excuse for hurting a child.

An Abuser Is Often Someone You Know
The data shows that, in most cases, perpetrators of abuse are people that the child knows and trusts. The abuser may be a family member, the child’s babysitter or daycare provider, teacher, clergy, neighbor, coach, instructor, or someone in any other position of trust that allows them access to a child.

Children are often “groomed” before they are abused. This means the abuser builds a trusting relationship with a child. They may give a child extra attention, buy them gifts, or offer to take them places to build a trusting relationship.

In addition to “grooming” children, perpetrators of abuse “groom” non-offending adults as well. Abusers want to portray themselves as nice, child-loving, responsible adults. This helps them gain access to children on a regular basis and makes it more likely that the abuse will be overlooked or dismissed.

One-on-One Situations Outside the Home
Some 80 percent or more of child sexual abuse cases occur in isolated, one-on-one situations. When you eliminate or reduce these situations with children, you dramatically reduce the risk of sexual abuse. There should never be a time you can’t have access to or check up on your child. Set rules, make sure you are comfortable, and make sure you keep communicating with your child.

“Strangers” Still Pose a Risk!
While 90 percent of children are abused by someone they know, 10 percent are abused by a stranger. It is still important to talk to your child about basic safety rules concerning strangers. Remind your child not to talk to, take anything, or go anywhere with a stranger. Also, for safety reasons, they should always get permission from a parent or caregiver before going anywhere with anyone.

Protect Your Child on the Internet
Children can also be exposed to strangers online. In fact, one in five children is sexually solicited while online.

The ease of creating a false identity online means that children and teens sometimes may end up communicating with people whose real identities are hidden. Predators can utilize various apps and websites to form online relationships with children. To reduce this risk, parents need to be aware of what their children are doing online and on a phone. More specific information can be found at the Kid’s Health website: https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/net-safety.html or from your local schools or law enforcement.